HEARTFULLY ENTANGLED - CHAPTER 10 - THE PEACEFUL NIGHT
10 - THE PEACEFUL NIGHT
As a single ashoka flower fell onto Diya's lap, she picked it up, twirling its delicate stem between her fingers, and smiled at it as if the flower was her friend. Her other hand held her mobile over her ear, her attention divided between the call and the flower.
There was something unique about her.
The way she sat casually beside me, without a trace of hesitation or discomfort, as if nothing had happened between us, as if she forgot that accidental kiss was something I could neither believe nor I could disbelieve.
If it was some other girl in her place, she would have punished me or distanced herself from me. Even if she was forced to stay with me, she would have been careful and hateful around me. But Diya was natural. So effortlessly natural around me.
It was undeniably unique.
She was the softest yet the strongest girl I had ever met. Strength is not just about punishing or forgiving, but also about how quick you forget the trauma and find your way back to normal. It's about how you refuse to let the past define you, how you manage to rise again after a fall.
While I lacked that strength to pull myself back from the trauma of my family, she was the queen of it. She pulled back from her trauma sooner than I expected.
If she didn't jump from the terrace, it would have been the best. She would have been even stronger. She would have been a role model to others. But unfortunately, human emotions are scary. They strike even the strongest, bravest people to the worst. In that case, she was just eighteen, too young to battle with such traumatic emotions. She lost her battle with her own emotions temporarily, and made a choice she shouldn't have.
It was perhaps her foolishness. It was her flaw. But it was never her weakness. The way she brought me home without a fear while I was intoxicated, the way she was sitting beside me casually after everything was proof that she was never afraid, never scared, never weak. But she just lost her battle once to her emotions. It didn't mean she was weak, who would lose every time.
She was a growing young girl. She would grow up into the strongest woman like a queen and be an inspiration to many, I thought.
As she spoke something to Vijay on her mobile, my gaze lingered on her face with a permanent smile on my lips, my mind already imagining her as their hospital's future CEO, ruling the medical world like a queen with her kindness, knowledge and unwavering strength.
After a moment of my trance, she disconnected the call and turned to me, slipping her mobile back into her skirt's pocket, her hand still holding the flower.
I blinked to stop looking at her in a way as if I never looked at girls before, and then I smiled at her gently.
She forced a smile and asked reluctantly, "Were you brought up in any orphanages?"
It would have been better if my so-called father left me in any orphanages.
I sighed, lowering my eyes. "No. I....I was staying in a relative's home. But after growing up a little more, I felt I was unwanted for them. So I came out at the age of 14. Since then, I have been living alone."
She took a moment to respond, her voice carrying a dismay, "Oh! What's your age now?"
"26,"
"26?" She gasped. "You mean uncle to me."
What the hell!
I snapped my eyes at her, furrowing my eyebrows. "Uncle?"
She sighed dramatically. "Yes, people above 25 are uncle and aunt in my book."
"Oh." I smiled mischievously. "Then people under 20 are children in my book. So shall I call you kid or...." I joined my forefinger and thumb, squinting one of my eyes. "Little Diya. Actually, I like the name Little Diya."
She shot a glare at me, but her lips slowly curved up as if she wanted to smile. But she turned her face away, controlling herself and then shifted her eyes back to me. "Okay, you are not uncle. I am not a kid."
I shook my head with an inward chuckle. "Accepted partially. I am not uncle, but you are a kid. Little Diya!"
She furrowed her eyebrows, clenching her teeth.
I chuckled at her cute anger. "Okay. You are not a kid. But little Diya suits you. Because we have a nearly 8 year age gap. You are little only for me na?"
Her glare intensified on me. "Mr. Arun, don't take over-advantage on me just because I am talking to you."
She was right.
I was crossing a line. I shouldn't have spoken playfully with her when she saw me just as an acquaintance.
I swallowed hard. "Okay." I looked down, my colours draining from my face.
She added, "And, I am very sorry. I should have not spoken like a mad in the hospital. I should have not said that God took away your parents because...." She paused, her gaze falling to the ground.
I forced a smile. "No problem, Diya. It happens in anger. I didn't take it to my mind."
She nodded, raising her eyes to me. "Still, you look at women as the opposite sex, it seems. But the same you said you wouldn't touch your mom, sister, friend or daughter in a bad intention na? Why can't you look at all the women like your mom or sister or a friend or a daughter? If you do it, you wouldn't do wrong things even in intoxication."
Her words froze me for a moment.
I didn't know what to respond. I really didn't look at every woman with an evil eye. I knew they were not just the opposite sex, but souls. But I did admire some random women who looked beautiful in my eyes. In addition to it, I visited sex workers, too. But how could I possibly see those sex workers as my mom or daughter or sister, with whom I still had the idea of having a physical relationship? Obviously, I wouldn't. I tried to pull myself away from the alcohol only for the sake of Diya and her family, not the red-light area habits of mine.
I swallowed hard and just nodded my head, having no words to explain anything to her.
Few things are better not to reveal and silence is the better way to hide the truths than lying.
She added, "You don't seem to be that bad like I imagined. But I can't understand how you slipped into the wrong path."
I sighed. "What to do, Diya? Weeds only grow on the abandoned lands."
"Your perception is wrong." She took a deep breath as if she was disappointed with my perception. "Why do you see the abandoned lands? See the sun or the moon." She tilted her head up in search of the moon.
I, too, looked up, my gaze landing on the waxing crescent moon.
She added, "My papa always says, be like the sun. Shine on your own, shine for your own, but spread light to the world, too. The sun and moon,too, are alone in the vast sky. Still, they shine, not only for themselves, but also they spread the light to the world. Moreover, life is not easy for anyone. There are millions of people suffering more than you. It's your perception and attitude which makes your life beautiful or painful."
Her words went unnoticed as my own words to my so-called father echoed in my mind. "I am Arun. The sun! The fire of all fires. I wouldn't need a burning wood to burn your skin. I am myself enough to burn the entire you into ashes."
My dialogues! I had no shortage of dialogues like a king, but I was actually a clown.
I really personified the sun in my childhood. But I was no longer the sun in my adulthood.
I let out a sarcastic smile, realising how I made myself into an empty dark chamber rather than retaining myself as the sun.
Diya was true. Perception matters and truly, my perception about the world had changed drastically as I grew up. I lost all the light of mine.
While I sat like a statue, Diya took a deep breath and added, "Okay, leave the past. I understand people do stumble towards the wrong paths when a storm hits them. The storms might have carried you away somewhere to the places you don't belong. But it doesn't mean you should stay there itself forever. You can try to regain yourself. Try to come out of the negative wing. Don't ask me what if a storm hits you again after regaining your original self back. If a storm hits you again, we are here to hold you now. We are kind to you when you are in a negative wing itself. If you regain yourself, we will never leave you away. We will be with you through all your sunshine and storms. Will you try to regain yourself back?" She looked at me, expecting yes from me.
Her words were so kind in a way I couldn't believe. How would they be with me in all my ups and downs? Moreover, believing such kind words and getting hope might end up in a more tragedy than my present tragedy, I knew.
I wanted to say, "No. I am okay with the life I am living now."
But I couldn't say it, only to disappoint her.
Though I didn't know how far I could follow her words, I thought to listen to her words, only for the sake of her. Only for not disappointing her. Only for not giving her more headaches. Just as a reparation for the hurt I instilled in her unknowingly.
I nodded my head. "Yes. Your wish."
She furrowed her eyebrows. "Try to reform for your wish. Not for my wish."
"Okay," I said flatly without any hope.
"No. This is hopelessness. Say with hope. You should have trust in you in the first place to reform yourself," she said literally like a teacher.
I took a deep breath and lifted one of my arms. "Yes. I will," I faked a determination frustratingly.
"The previous one was better." She bit her lips and turned her face away as if trying to control her smile. "Uncle." She added in a teasing yet hesitant voice and bit her tongue, squeezing one of her eyes shut.
Her word 'uncle' didn't offend me. In fact, I liked the way she teased me like a friend. But the way she teased me was unbelievable.
I asked, "Diya, don't you feel discomfort or annoyance with me as you hate that accidental kiss? You are casual with me and even teasing like friends."
She turned to me, bending her legs, wrapping her arms around her legs, her fingers still holding the ashoka flower. "No. Because I am going to be a correctional psychiatrist. Our professors often say we should be ready even to visit a prison to meet the biggest criminals and to talk with them calmly so that we could help them psychologically to reform to the best. I will even have my practice session in the prison in my final year and I am ready for all those. In that case, you are not that big of a criminal. You are just an imperfect common man. Also, you seem to be a person who has the strength to reform yourself to the best. So..." She shrugged.
Her words 'you are not that big of a criminal' made me smile, but the profession she explained gave me a strange discomfort in my heart. I forced a smile. "If you are going to meet some criminals in future, if they behave wrong with you, you will not make the same mistake of trying to end your life na? You will be strong enough to give a strong slap to them without hurting yourself na?"
She looked at me blankly for a moment, and then her lips slowly curved up. "Hmm." She smiled. "I will not do the same mistake again. It will take some years for my practice session. I am just entering my second year of UG. I have to complete this, then do MBBS and MD after this. I know I have some emotional flaws and fall weak sometimes. But I am learning and developing my personality everyday. I will not leave those criminals to behave wrong with me. Even if they try to do something, I will give a slap with my slippers."
I nodded with a light smile.
She took a deep breath. "Okay, tell me what are the withdrawal symptoms you have?"
"Nothing," I said.
"Nothing?" She widened her big-doe amber eyes.
"Hmm." I smiled. "It's true I had a headache, trembling limbs and nausea when I entered the gate. But everything is normal now."
"Oh. Maybe the beauty of the garden diverted you,"
"Maybe." I shrugged.
How could I say it was not the garden, but it was her who diverted me?
She nodded. "Okay, I will help with your withdrawal symptoms by spending time with you as much as I can. But if needed, let me take you to our HOD," she said.
I nodded as I wanted to keep myself away from the alcohol as long as I stayed in their home.
Before she could respond, Vijay reached us with a laptop in his hands and settled beside me, opening the laptop. "What movie shall we watch, akka?" He asked.
They were going to watch a movie along with me, it seemed.
Diya turned to me. "Let's watch a movie together to pass time. Which genre of movies do you like?"
I smiled. "Anything you like."
"I asked what YOU like." She glared at me, stressing her words.
What could I respond?
I turned my face away, and muttered, rubbing the nape of my neck, my eyes travelling up to the moon, "How can I say, I would like anything that makes you smile. Because I like your smile. I am probably not going to watch the movie, but only your smile. But if I say this to you, you will throw slippers at this uncle."
"What are you murmuring," she asked in a puzzled tone, pulling me away from my thoughts.
I turned to her, blinking. "Let's watch anything you like Diya. I don't have any favourites."
She blew the air frustratingly. "Then I like love stories. Is it okay for you? Shall we watch the movie Mozhi (tamil movie)?" She asked.
"Your wish," I said.
Vijay's fingers fiddled on the laptop while he laughed. "Akka, I don't know when your craze for this movie will end. Anyway, I have watched this movie infinity times with you and it inspires me to marry a hearing impaired girl just like this hero. But only if the girl is the strongest like this heroine."
"Oh." Diya rolled her eyes. "All the best to find her."
Vijay shook his head. "No no. I will not search for her. You, amma and appa search for her. I will just marry. Because, I don't have time to search. I have a lot of work. Moreover, I don't even know what love is."
Diya shook her head with a laugh. "Shall I explain what love is?"
"No need." Vijay faked a frown, passing the laptop to her. "Let me learn it later. Now I am not able to find the folder in which you downloaded the movie. You find it."
Diya got the laptop in her hands, her eyes scanning the folders.
Vijay asked me, "Anna, she will take time to find it as her laptop has a lot of folders. Till then, shall we play some games? What game do you know to play?"
I shook my head. "No. I don't know to play any games,"
He furrowed his eyebrows. "Don't lie. You would have played some games in your school times na?"
"Hmm," I replied, "I used to play the book cricket."
"Book cricket?" He made a puzzled face. "What's that?"
"It's just opening a book and marking the end of page numbers as our runs. When 8 or 0 comes as the last digit, we are out of the game."
He glared at me, his lips carrying a teasing smile. "This is your game ah?"
"Yes." I chuckled. "It was famous in my school times."
"Oh." Vijay nodded. "Then tomorrow is sunday na? You teach me book cricket. I will teach you to play outdoor cricket. Let's play both the games tomorrow. Akka will be our wicket-keeper."
I nodded, a warm smile appearing on my face, my hand instinctively reaching for his hand as he behaved like a younger brother to me. But I curled my fingers back and fisted my fingers.
I didn't want to get into family bonds.
He noticed the way I took my hand back and furrowed his eyebrows, grabbing my hand in his hand. "I don't know why you are hesitant to hold my hand. But I see you like my brother. So, let me hold your hand."
Diya just glanced at him with a warm smile and turned back to the laptop.
I sat frozen. I wanted to yank my hand away from his hold. But I couldn't.
He smiled and asked, still holding my hand, "Then tell me, anna. How many girls in your music academy have a crush on you?" He giggled.
What?
I widened my eyes. "No. No one. I am teaching guitar. How could they have a crush on a teacher?"
"You are so innocent, anna," he teased. "But we have a crush on teachers only."
What the hell!
He was somewhat true, too. I too had a crush on my Maths teacher in my second standard and I would often rush to her to get her handbag so that she would walk freely without burdens in her hands.
She would glare at me and say, "You are not even grown up to the size of the bag. But you want to hold it for me ah?"
I would say, "Anything for you, amma."
We used to call teachers as amma (mom).
She would pinch my cheeks with a laugh and would pass just her waterbottle to me. "Okay, hold this for your wish."
I would nod excitedly and walk with her, hugging her waterbottle to my chest. She was the only teacher I spoke freely. She got married and she was transferred to some other district when I was in my third std.
What a nostalgic days they were!
While I lacked answers, Diya glared at him. "Shonu, talk to him respectfully. He is almost 11 years older than you."
He rolled his eyes. "Our parents are almost 26 years older than me. Still I talk to them playfully. I have respect, but playful talks are not wrong. Isn't it, anna?" He turned to me.
"Yes. You can speak anything with me." I let out an awkward grin, feeling like an ant between two fires.
Diya glared at me.
I grinned awkwardly at her, too.
For a person like me, who had no meaningful connections with people, these new circumstances and angelic people felt like I landed in a different universe. I really didn't know how to react between Diya and Vijay except giving this awkward grin.
She shook her head frustratingly and placed the laptop on the grass in front of us. "Okay, let's watch the movie now."
We nodded.
She played the movie, the flickering light from the screen, spreading a soft light in the late evenings.
The opening credits rolled and I was attracted to the movie in the first sight itself as every letter in names of the opening credits were styled like musical symbols with the background of musical sheets.
How could I not get attracted to something related to music?
Even the first scene was about music, and I was immersed in the movie.
The next scene played, introducing the heroine. The heroine thrashed a drunkard and pulled out all his intoxication in her kicks as he had taken alcohol and was slapping his wife in intoxication in roads.
I forgot myself for a moment and gripped Diya's hand, exclaiming, "Diya, if someone behaves wrong with you, thrash like this. Even if it is me. Okay?"
She flinched, turning to me. She didn't respond, but her glaring eyes travelled to her own wrist where I was holding.
I left her hand immediately and made a face. "Sorry."
"Watch the movie," she said flatly, her lips trembling to smile and turned to the screen.
Suddenly a thought flashed in my mind after watching that particular scene. I asked, "Diya, if you can help the alcoholic addicts, you can find this kind of drunkards and help them reform na? At least, their wives and children will be at peace."
Vijay intervened, "Yes, anna. My akka has a dream of reforming people as much as she can. But she knows everyone cannot regain their innocence. She will help, if the person seems to have basic morals in her eyes. And, she has a dream of opening an orphanage, too, in future. Regarding this scene, she will suggest divorce as he was imposing physical violence on his wife more than reforming that person."
"Oh." I smiled, my respect for Diya increasing. I somewhat understood why she gave me the least punishment and why she allowed me inside their home.
Diya just smiled and resumed watching the movie as some more ashoka flowers fell on her lap. She collected all those flowers, her fingers making it like a tiny bouquet, while her eyes were on the laptop.
This time, the movie couldn't draw my eyes. My gaze was fixed on Diya.
As the movie proceeded, she enjoyed the movie, laughing and smiling. When she laughed, some of her hair strands fell in front of her face, brushing against her cheeks. She moved those hair strands back absentmindedly with her slender fingers while laughing.
Her smile, her laughter and her minute gestures! They were worth admiring.
When she smiled at me in the initial days, it was just a smile, but now it felt like my comfort place.
Whenever she smiled, I felt unburdened.
I liked that feeling of mine.
The alcohol could make me forget my family, only by making me unconscious. But her smile could make me forget my family, my withdrawal symptoms, everything when I was in complete consciousness.
Obviously, her smile was more addictive than alcohol. I was getting addicted to her smile without even my knowledge.
I didn't turn my eyes away from her until she turned to me casually while laughing, her fingers tucking her hair strands back.
I blinked and shifted my eyes to the laptop, my fingers rubbing my forehead, my teeth clenching in embarrassment.
Damn!
I didn't even know why was admiring a little girl. But I can't deny my eyes were just drawn towards her as if a moth was drawn to the light.
I controlled myself not to look at her, only to make her uncomfortable and continued watching the movie.
It was such a heartwarming movie. But I saw it just fictional without taking it to my heart and mind.
But Diya's eyes were pooled with happy tears as the couple got united in the end and she was wiping her tears while the end credits played.
"Hey, are you crying?" I gasped.
She rubbed her eyes, shaking her head like a child. "No. I am not crying."
Vijay giggled. "She is a reservoir made of bones, tears and blood, anna. She knows no expressions other than letting her tears out for both her happiness and sadness."
Diya frowned. "Yes, I cried. What's wrong with it? I am just happy for the couple."
"Okay okay." Vijay chuckled.
Diya shut her laptop while I smiled at her innocent nature.
"Hmm," she hummed, raising to her feet, leaving the tiny ashoka flowers bouquet on the ground itself. "Mr. Arun, go and get freshen up and come back to the garden. Let's have dinner and sleep. Let's meet in the morning by 6 on the terrace. I have to talk with you regarding your...." She paused, looking at Vijay, and added, "regarding your music project."
I understood she wanted to say something about my alcoholic habit, and I nodded, my eyes travelling to the tiny ashoka flower bouquet.
My fingers itched to take it, but I couldn't as Diya and Vijay were still standing there.
I stood up, taking my guitar bag. "Thank you, Diya. Thank you, Vijay. I had awesome, maybe peaceful time with you both," I said as I couldn't stop myself from saying it.
Diya smiled gently and Vijay added, "We too had a wonderful time with you, anna. And, let us spend more time peacefully together everyday."
I nodded, my heart twisting with emotions. I wanted to hug him, but I stopped myself.
They stepped away.
I immediately bent down and grabbed the tiny bouquet of flowers which was made by Diya, holding it in my palm.
I just wanted to have it with me as a memory of the beautiful soul I have ever known and the most peaceful evening I have ever had.
I walked to my room, my heart, mind, body, soul, everything feeling lighter. As if I became a feather.
On reaching my room, I opened my guitar bag and pulled out my music notebook. I opened it and placed the ashoka flowers inside it with a warm smile, and took the pen in my hands. The musical notebooks are usually five rulers and I never wrote anything other than music notes in those lines. But that day, I felt to write something that was flooding in my mind. I wrote,
பூச்செண்டு இது.
உன் காகிதங்களுக்கிடையில் இதை பத்திரப்படுத்துகிறேன்.
உன்னுடைய இசைப்பக்கங்களில் மட்டும் அழகு சேர்ப்பதற்காக இல்லை,
என் நினைவுகளுக்குள்ளும்
அழகு சேர்க்க.
I am protecting it between your pages.
Not only to add beauty to your musical pages,
but also to my memories.)
I closed the notebook with a smile, and got freshen up, wearing my night t-shirt and track pants.
Soon, we had dinner under the moonlight, sharing warmth and smiles, and then everyone went back to their rooms.
I didn't want to go to my room as the garden atmosphere was calming. I thought to spend some time in the garden itself and laid down on the swing in my back, placing my head over my palms, my legs one over the other, my eyes landing on the waxing moon.
The moon. It reminded me of Diya, her beauty, and the way she wanted to spread light to the people in the darkness!
My mind didn't travel to alcohol even a bit. I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms. It was as if Diya tied my mind with her in a way my mind wouldn't move to the other places.
A smile appeared on my face, murmuring, "I have heard the moon gets the light from the sun. But for the first time, a moon is spreading its light to this sun. As much as it's magical, it's rare, it's something no one would do. You are such a unique person who has the aspects of angels. I will never forget you. Even if I leave here, I will always wish for your happiness and I will try to see you from a distance. You should not be just a Diya, the lamp. You should be the Roshni, the light. The light which can never be destroyed! The light which can never be bound to darkness. You should grow up with such aspects of light. I will witness your strength and happiness with a smile from a distance."
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